So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
