you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
