he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
