My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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