Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
