I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
