I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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