so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
