All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
