I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
