He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
