My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
