Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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