I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
