I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
