But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
