ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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