just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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