you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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