I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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