I think my fart just growled at me.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
