i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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