Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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