happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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