I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
