Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i need some magic done to my vagina
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
