Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
