She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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