Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
