just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
