Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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