I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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