i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
