anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
