Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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