I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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