my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
