So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
