I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
