it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
