oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
