before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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