do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
