Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
