I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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