youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.