I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
