I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single