his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
