i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
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Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
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I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*