I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
