so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
