What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
