ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
