I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
