Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
