I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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