Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
