After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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