she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
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I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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