So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
