We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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