i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
