so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
