She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
