im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
