If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
